I’ve been a little whiney to myself lately. I’m at a point where I typically keep it to myself, because it doesn’t help anybody else any more than it helps me. But there’s been a lot of “what does it matter anyway?” going on in my head. I have gone through several seasons where staying home with kids has been very difficult for me. I love to accomplish. I love to lead and get approval. I love to organize. And sometimes, being at home with small children feels like the antithesis of anything I enjoy. But I felt God prompt me to talk to Him about that this morning. It went something like this:
Him: What is it you miss about working?
Me: (Still waking up and responding with the first thing I thought of) Dressing up.
Him: Um….you can do that. You might feel better if you did it more often.
Me: Oh. True. OK, um…doing a good job and having my boss’s approval.
Him: How often did you have bosses who were easy to please?
Me: Well…never. I never felt like I measured up with most of them.
Him: Your children and husband are very easy to please. They love you, and it takes almost nothing to make them SO happy.
Me: Oh. I miss being on a schedule. It felt important.
Him: REALLY? You’d trade that for your calm, peaceful mornings and daily nap?
Me: Um….well….no.
On and on it went like this. 
A couple of months ago, someone I respect said some negative things about staying home with kids that, for some reason, produced discontent in me. She has made a different life choice from me, yet has a personality that is very similar to mine. I realize that I’ve been comparing myself to her in many ways – never a good plan for anybody. Add to that how sore and well…pregnant I’m feeling, and I’ve just had a sense that what I’m doing doesn’t matter. The thought that always excites me the most about making my own home, is that I can do it the way I want to – the way God has called me to. And I can take in other people’s ideas, but throw out what I don’t like and keep what I do. How fun and creative is that? And what freedom, to not have to do it the way it’s dictated to me!
It does matter. And I always love the part where I rediscover that. And I wouldn’t trade what I have, not for all the “success” or “accomplishment” in the world.
Ugh. I’m trying to find joy in the opposite: working outside the home. At this point, the ONLY good thing about it is that it brings in a paycheck and provides insurance. Otherwise, my family suffers because of it. I want so badly to be at home…but God isn’t providing that means yet (think He’s reading this and getting the hint???).
Comment by Staci — November 9, 2009 @ 12:02 pm |
Impossible for me to say what you should do, but I really believe some things like that take a leap of faith. There have been so many times when the numbers didn’t look like they’d work with me at home….somehow….they did! We just got a phone call from someone who wants to give us some really nice furniture. Every step of the way, we get confirmation of what God’s direction is when we act in faith and not in fear. FWIW, we were buying high deductible insurance on Nick and the girls for $90/month a year ago. It didn’t cover doc visits (not that anything covers docs the way we do them anyway), but if something were to happen, it was there. Just some thoughts! Don’t give up!
Comment by Sara Kay — November 9, 2009 @ 12:32 pm |
I was just missing working the other day…because I was “SO” organized then and whatever I needed for my desk/cube I could just pick out from the Staples catalog and I’d have it the next day. I didn’t have to ask Mr. Budget for it. In reality, I’d much rather do without andnot be so stressed at the end of the day because of my boss’ last minute, whatever. You couldn’t pay me enough to spend all Ava’s good hours somewhere else, just to get home an hour before bedtime. (Even if she is coating her hands with marker at the moment.)
Comment by Lea — November 9, 2009 @ 2:53 pm |
I think the heart of the matter is us not being content with where God has us. Like you said, you get to nap everyday… if you were working you would say… “if only I could nap everyday… I just wish I could stay home with my kids.” Before I went back to work a couple months ago I longed to have time out of the house and feel like I was doing something more than changing diapers and trying to keep my house clean. Now, while I am enjoying things about working, I am struggling with my home life and learning how to balance things. I find myself often times longing for what I used to have. I have to trust that I Lord has me where he wants me at that time. There was a season where I was to be with my children fulltime and they were my primary ministry and responsiblity, now I trust that He has me at Starbucks as a ministry and as a way to support my family. A year from now it may be completely different.
Comment by Janet Hawes — November 10, 2009 @ 11:04 am |
Good thoughts Janet!
Comment by Sara Kay — November 10, 2009 @ 11:32 am |
Wow. A timely word indeed- more than you know!
Comment by Tara — November 10, 2009 @ 10:04 pm |